cut me open

i’m empty

empty as you please

a place of no occupancy

nothing lives around me or in me

a soulless monster, a soulless soul, a soulless something

until one day you knocked on the door of my heart

and i opened up

you were as beautiful as a human could get

i was not good with my emotions

i hadn’t used them in so long

i forgot i possessed them

i told you “cut me open and make me love again”

and you did

and ever since that day

you made a home of my head

you arranged the bed with pretty quilts

and painted the grey walls a bright shade of blue

i wanted to tell you that i didn’t know how i survived before

how i lived without you in my heart

but i didn’t know how

and you played your pretty music loud

and danced with such grace and such power

it was so hard to not join you

to not stare

so of course

for the first time,

i did

you are everything i didn’t know i was missing

a piece of a puzzle i didn’t know i was creating

you created a soul

a happiness

inside me

and i don’t know how i lived

without your color

and now that you are gone

and my mind is quiet

and the walls have dimmed from turquoise to indigo

i wonder if i’ll ever feel

such joy again

if i’ll ever consume

so much color again

now all that’s left is empty space

empty mind

empty me

and i’m afraid

that’s not enough

i was never enough

 

love me again

love me on a raincloud

hold me up

then pour me out

 

let’s cleanse the earth

you and me

wipe every slate clean

the clumsy messes we have made

let’s rinse them away

 

love me on a northbound train

enter the winter with me

chill me to the bone

 

let’s freeze over together

in this indefinite moment

make it last an eternity

feel the frost through my hair, through yours

shiver here with me once more

 

love me to infinity

as fast as a shooting star

to pluto and back

 

let’s get lost in the milky way

let the black consume us

use the moon as a flashlight

follow each constellation

and guide me back home

 

get lost with me

a dream i won’t wake up from

i breathe in warm wet air and it tastes like you. no stars are out tonight but the black sky reminds me of something i used to know. something like you. i want to rewind. want to meet you in another time another place another planet. maybe i could love you there. love you then. i wanna love you somewhere that we haven’t messed up yet. somewhere with more days and more moons so i can make up for lost time with you. i think i’ve found the perfect place. the road was busy but i crossed it anyway and didn’t flinch. three shots deep and my fearlessness is already tapping on my shoulder. liquid courage had already swept me off my feet and carried me to your street. a flask and the moonlight was all i needed to guide me. the snow didn’t bother me. nothing really did but i knocked on your door and i told you to meet me in the milky way. meet me where you know, where you see. then maybe. maybe we could plan ahead. plan a life. somewhere among the stars. among the black. i wanna watch you shine bright like you used to. like you did before me. i wanna watch your eyes reflect moonlight and get so lost in them that i find a new galaxy and a new meaning. take my hand. let’s get away and let’s get lost among the stars. lose it all. lose everything but you. 

i’m not pretty anymore 

you wear your doubt on your sleeve. the same place that i wear my heart. winter chills my bones but your touch made the feeling unbearable. it’s snowing a lot now and your words float down with the flakes and all i can focus on is the snow on your eyelashes. i watched you blink and melt them away. i knew soon it would be me. melting away. i know what you’re meaning to say but i don’t think you have said it yet. i’m waiting and waiting and waiting. damn it’s cold. and it’s dark. kind of like my heart. kind of like yours. that’s why we were doomed from the start. dark things never last, do they? i want to believe they do. but i don’t think i remember how to believe in things. especially you. especially me. believe is such a strong word. as strong as “love” or “broken” or “hate.” I want to find solace in you, refuge in your warm heart but ice cannot melt in a haunted place. i can remember a time that wasn’t as cold and wasn’t as uncertain. i remember looking up at the blue black sky and giving every star your name. i remember that you used to give the night sky some sort of purpose. you used to give me purpose. i don’t know what that means now. or if it means anything at all. i don’t think you give me purpose anymore. but i’m so scared to let you go. so scared that you’ll drift off with the snow. find your uniqueness and find pretty words elsewhere. i’m not pretty anymore. the snow keeps falling and so do i. 

progression

i drove down south main and thought that i was feeling lonely and claustrophobic in my car so i pulled off into this parking lot to buy a new set of lungs because the air you left in them was too poisoned and too filthy with your memory. the air from my lungs came out from my mouth black and i stopped breathing just so i didn’t have to feel you. i walked in a shop. i can’t remember the name of it now. but the lady was very nice and switched them out for me quickly but i remember keeping my old ones in my back seat so i could see the black and the you and their uselessness. i still miss you but i’m so glad that i am no longer breathing for you. i breathe for me now. and that is progress. 

rain

i wish i had something poetic to say. something like “i found light in a dark place” or “i’m growing and i’m better than i once was” but all i have for you is the rain. and i know it is not enough and it is not mine. but i hope you find it in you to stay. somehow. because even when i have nothing to give i will give it all to you and i’m not sure what this means or what it says about me. but i hope even when you leave you drive down my road in the rain and something about how long the car ride is reminds you of me. i hope you think of the rain i gave you. the emptiness i gave you and how hopeless it looks but how endearing it can be. cleansing even. but don’t you dare turn around. because i will let you back in but you don’t want the rain now. you never did. but it is pretty to look at. isn’t it? 

my mind is louder than my mouth

i threw my phone because no one in here needs me. none of them know me. but i apologized to it because it wasn’t his fault. and i apologized to the book i left on my sheets because i destroyed its cover during one of my manic episodes that i like to call art and she didn’t deserve it. she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. kind of like me. and i apologized to my hair because i pulled strands of it out in one of my bad moments that i like to call something between anger and beauty. it’s not my hair’s fault i don’t want it anymore. but it suffocates me and angers me and gets stuck on things and parts the wrong fucking way and it makes me so crazy that i just need to yank it out of my stupid, empty head. i wish i would stop thinking and hoping that i would matter. i don’t matter. none of this matters. and i wish i could just fall asleep and wake up in a time where i am happy and i don’t hate every step i take. i hate myself and my hair and my books and my phone and my body and my words. i hate my skin. i want to be a snake and shed it whenever i outgrow it. whenever it no longer fits. nothing fucking fits. nothing is perfect. nothing is working and nothing is helping. just put me to sleep and let me wake up healthy and let me wake up whole. let me wake up to be anything but me.