modern baseball (for vince and skyler)

my favorite band announced that they are “taking a break today”

some of my favorite memories i’ve ever lived had this band in them

a summer well spent

on back roads with my best friends

in my favorite car that doesn’t run anymore

and all of the miles we put on it

the hours we drove

and the hours we spent looking for parking

and the red fucking car we almost hit (fuck that guy)

all the snapchat videos

all of the memories we shared with each other

and the random places we stopped at to eat (even when we weren’t hungry)

all the cigarettes and laughs and tears and the yelling

 

and all the alcohol we consumed

the hotel beds we slept on

putting on temporary tattoos with milk at a waffle house in allentown

so far from our hometown

but my friends made it home

this band made philadelphia feel like home

and for some reason i know

that nothing may ever make us feel like that again

and i know that all good things come to an end

i know the game by now

my friends live here and there and everywhere

but not together anymore

and maybe music is the one thing that makes us feel less apart.

“and you, you ask if i gotta leave,

and i wish that i could say no.”

 

twists and turns

if karma is real how come you get to be happy and together and normal and nothing in my life can go in a straight line. I have dreams of floating off in the ocean and drowning somewhere far out and not feeling a thing. accounting homework drains me but maybe I’m draining myself. I don’t like numbers. I never have. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing but I guess that’s me. always doing things I don’t care about and putting what I love on the back of a bookshelf. my dreams are collecting dust along with my love for life and good luck and you. I don’t do things that make me happy because I want to be better than that, better than me but I don’t know how to be. just let me be because I’m a lost cause and no one ever waits up for me. I’m distant and quiet and people give up so easily. just take one chance on me. just one chance and I swear I can change. for you. I’m done walking under clouds and getting rained on and I’m done working late and walking home thinking of you and I’m done letting every single song sound like me missing you. I don’t miss you. I’m done missing you. and something amazing happened: the world kept turning. everyone around me kept talking. kept living. I kept living. missing you felt like everything coming to an end. when I stopped maybe everything came together. I’m not much of an optimist but I’m trying to be. I’m trying to find the rainbow in the storm. the sun behind the clouds. I’m always searching for something, something like the sun. something like you. and isn’t it funny, how quickly i found you, then how quickly i  lost you.

I’m drunk and don’t let this persuade you

I found you at the bottom of the bottle tonight. you didn’t say much. or maybe you did. I don’t remember. I was pretty gone and I was pretty happy and pretty dancing with my pretty friends and your face was everywhere and somehow I wasn’t phased. I just danced and I laughed and I smiled. but my legs were too sad to walk me home and my heart was too heavy to carry along. I blamed my high heeled shoes and the sad drunk self that I came to know and love. I don’t let your name slide off of my tongue anymore because I want it to be only thought of happily. not how am I now. I worry about you but I don’t and I worry about me but that doesn’t cross my mind as much. a crowded bar never did anything good for me except for the night I met you. since then every night has been insubstantial. irrelevant. every night has been sad because this is the place where I met you. I guess you must’ve forgotten and that’s okay. I guess I have too. but I guess my legs haven’t. my sad drunk sleepy eyes want to close on this last thought of you but they won’t. I won’t let them. past is past and that’s where I make it stay. I don’t go back. and I know you don’t either. and I guess that’s the beauty of us. that when it ended, it actually ended. I guess that’s what sucks about us too.

waiting for the sun

i’ve been searching and digging for a place to hide, a place that’s only mine but being underground gets lonely and all i can hear are thumps and stomps and shouts from above me. telling me to change. making me change. i’ve spent months and years trying to find the girl i’ve been searching for and for a second i thought i had found her. a girl who has finally found her love for life. her passion for life. bad news and bad timing have been throwing bricks at my window one after another and as soon as i repair one another gets broken. broken windows are one thing but broken mirrors are seven years of bad luck and i wish i knew at the time but i was clumsy and seventeen and have a history of breaking things. i don’t think i’m superstitious. at least not anymore. i don’t know if i know how to believe in anything anymore. especially people. my body’s not capable but if it’s not a superstition or karma then i guess it’s just me. i’m always sitting around waiting for a good thing to happen to me. i need it. i need is so badly my body aches for it. aches for something to latch onto. and i can’t tell you that i’ll get better because maybe i won’t. maybe i will. i don’t know but i have no choice but to live with myself inside my head, to lead this life and if this is who i am then so be it. but my body is so tired of carrying around a girl it doesn’t even like. carrying around a girl who takes every comment to heart and a girl that can’t seem to find happiness anywhere she looks but finds sadness everywhere like in people and songs and books and spanish classrooms and concert venues. she exhausts me. where did the happiness go. i guess that got sick of me too. must have left me along with all of you. and i guess i don’t mind. my body longs for freedom and solitude that it can’t find and until my time comes (if it ever does) the time to find my way, i will know it with certainty. because it will be the feeling of happiness that my body has been desperate for. that its so hungry for. the feeling i thought i found in you. but i have since learned that happiness does not, in fact, come in human form. and i’m not sure what form it does come in, but i’ll be sitting here ready to find out. ready for the light at the end of the dark and endless tunnel. ready for the sun.

i had a good day today 

this morning I’m much more groggy than I have been in a very long time. my legs and my back ache and I feel like a forty year old in a nineteen year old body. everything crashes and breaks all at once and I’m bracing myself for the good part afterwards. the beauty after the storm but it never seems to come. my car is in the shop and the center console of my dads car won’t shut. I slammed it with all of my might and I think I broke it a little more. oh well. that’s what I do. when things are broken I don’t fix them I just break them more until there is nothing left of them. it’s the fourth of july and I wanted to sleep all day but I didn’t and as the fireworks flew through the sky and made me feel something just for a minute my friend next to me said “wow that one was coming right for us!” and all I could think was I could only hope I would die in such a beautiful fashion. it amazes me how the most destructive things are the most beautiful. fire, water, storms, boys you meet in shitty bars. some hurt lingers but not much and I guess I’ve just taught myself to brush things off and not feel things much anymore. I don’t know if what I’m writing right now is poetry or sleepy thoughts or just jumbled words but I do know that I have an early shift at dunkin donuts tomorrow and this fucking horrific shit writing is taking away a few minutes of sleep so goodnight and happy independence day and I hope you can learn how to pick yourself up after beautiful, destructive things destroy you. I hope you learn to move forward. and I hope you all end up a hell of a lot different than me. goodnight. 

dirt

the days go by so quickly and for some reason it always feels like nighttime. my head is spinning and I always feel like crying but I never do. whenever I try to keep a firm grasp on things they still seem to slip and after a few occasions of this happening I realize it’s not them. it’s me. I have a hard time remembering small and big things and dates and times but I remember most everything about you and even when I don’t want to or I’m not up to it or don’t feel like it, I’m thinking of them. thinking of you. nights always play in slow motion and I don’t feel like I’m living them but watching them stroll by. I say a lot of the same things and do a lot of the same things because I’m convinced these things make me happy so why do I feel so fucking down. I have weird ticks and triggers and no one really gets them but I get them and I know what to stay away from. I know what to distance myself from so why do I want to pull you so close to me? most of the time nothing really makes sense especially in my mind and even more so on paper. I wish I had a better way to tell you all of this. a better technique. better words or a better tone but I’m not sure I know how to make this better. or if I even know how to make anything better. I guess best depends on your preference and if best is what you want then best is what you’ll get. elsewhere. and that’s why you left and I get that. I comprehend and I understand and I accept. I will not hold you back and I refuse to so don’t lean on me. leave with ease. go away with the breeze because my heart always lags behind and misses what leaves and we can’t keep teasing it the way we have. leave me. leave me and forget me. it’s what you need. it’s what I need.