coughing fit

‪if i say a word enough times it always sounds like your name. you’ve turned my favorite songs sour. i didn’t know sound had a taste but give me a second. let me wash my mouth out. scrub and scratch and gargle and spit. you’re the tingle in the back of my throat. the stupid spec that lingers after a coughing fit. i can’t get you out of my mouth. i just keep saying your name. (they’re gonna wonder what’s wrong with me) i say your name because it is the only word that brings comfort but why the fuck do i cough up blood every time i speak. i leave trails of it everywhere. it’s on my walls and my bed and my floor and to me it’s paint. i’ve never been much of an artist but i swear that i made this for you. and it’s beautiful. and i swear to -i swear if you don’t come back after all this. i swear. my clenched first will fall off my heart will burst my eyes will roll one hundred times over my bones will collapse to the floor and i don’t know where i’ll be. where i’ll go. maybe i’ll disintegrate. come back to me. ‬


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