i’m not pretty anymore¬†

you wear your doubt on your sleeve. the same place that i wear my heart. winter chills my bones but your touch made the feeling unbearable. it’s snowing a lot now and your words float down with the flakes and all i can focus on is the snow on your eyelashes. i watched you blink and melt them away. i knew soon it would be me. melting away. i know what you’re meaning to say but i don’t think you have said it yet. i’m waiting and waiting and waiting. damn it’s cold. and it’s dark. kind of like my heart. kind of like yours. that’s why we were doomed from the start. dark things never last, do they? i want to believe they do. but i don’t think i remember how to believe in things. especially you. especially me. believe is such a strong word. as strong as “love” or “broken” or “hate.” I want to find solace in you, refuge in your warm heart but ice cannot melt in a haunted place. i can remember a time that wasn’t as cold and wasn’t as uncertain. i remember looking up at the blue black sky and giving every star your name. i remember that you used to give the night sky some sort of purpose. you used to give me purpose. i don’t know what that means now. or if it means anything at all. i don’t think you give me purpose anymore. but i’m so scared to let you go. so scared that you’ll drift off with the snow. find your uniqueness and find pretty words elsewhere. i’m not pretty anymore. the snow keeps falling and so do i. 


i drove down south main and thought that i was feeling lonely and claustrophobic in my car so i pulled off into this parking lot to buy a new set of lungs because the air you left in them was too poisoned and too filthy with your memory. the air from my lungs came out from my mouth black and i stopped breathing just so i didn’t have to feel you. i walked in a shop. i can’t remember the name of it now. but the lady was very nice and switched them out for me quickly but i remember keeping my old ones in my back seat so i could see the black and the you and their uselessness. i still miss you but i’m so glad that i am no longer breathing for you. i breathe for me now. and that is progress. 


i wish i had something poetic to say. something like “i found light in a dark place” or “i’m growing and i’m better than i once was” but all i have for you is the rain. and i know it is not enough and it is not mine. but i hope you find it in you to stay. somehow. because even when i have nothing to give i will give it all to you and i’m not sure what this means or what it says about me. but i hope even when you leave you drive down my road in the rain and something about how long the car ride is reminds you of me. i hope you think of the rain i gave you. the emptiness i gave you and how hopeless it looks but how endearing it can be. cleansing even. but don’t you dare turn around. because i will let you back in but you don’t want the rain now. you never did. but it is pretty to look at. isn’t it?