my mind is louder than my mouth

i threw my phone because no one in here needs me. none of them know me. but i apologized to it because it wasn’t his fault. and i apologized to the book i left on my sheets because i destroyed its cover during one of my manic episodes that i like to call art and she didn’t deserve it. she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. kind of like me. and i apologized to my hair because i pulled strands of it out in one of my bad moments that i like to call something between anger and beauty. it’s not my hair’s fault i don’t want it anymore. but it suffocates me and angers me and gets stuck on things and parts the wrong fucking way and it makes me so crazy that i just need to yank it out of my stupid, empty head. i wish i would stop thinking and hoping that i would matter. i don’t matter. none of this matters. and i wish i could just fall asleep and wake up in a time where i am happy and i don’t hate every step i take. i hate myself and my hair and my books and my phone and my body and my words. i hate my skin. i want to be a snake and shed it whenever i outgrow it. whenever it no longer fits. nothing fucking fits. nothing is perfect. nothing is working and nothing is helping. just put me to sleep and let me wake up healthy and let me wake up whole. let me wake up to be anything but me. 

fiction and cold walks

no matter how manly you always think you are, fog still steams from your mouth as your lips move in the winter air. i don’t hear what you’re saying but i know what you mean. you are cold and you are fragile. and i know i can have you. every cold, fragile piece of you and i want to approach you. i want to put my love all over you like water between all the cracks and all the scars and crevices of you. i want to memorize every line like a favorite song but i don’t. i stand there. we fall silent. your face is always so serious. you’ve always taken yourself so seriously and i’ve always been the one to crack a smile. the one to break that hardness. but not this time. this time you walk. with your manliness, your coldness, your seriousness. turn around and walk straight away from me. i’m not surprised. i’ve been waiting for you to give up on me for a long time but i never thought it would be cold and it would be now. and i never thought that it would be ever or never. but i always knew it would be soon. i always knew.