i saw you in a deep dream. you had a lot more calmness than i remember. a lot more timidness. i remember walking in circles around you trying not to step on your toes. i don’t know why she came. she made me give back your sweater and your hat and all i wanted to do was crush her skull in my bare hands but after some careful thinking i decided that prison might be worth it but you wouldn’t be able to look me in the face after it all. you stopped me. you had a lot more facial hair than i remembered. i remember thinking that i’d never seen eyes that precise shade of green and from that point on i’ve always thought of it as my new favorite color. a lot of things had changed and you had a whole lot of her and not a ton of me. some things never change. you kiss me and then you don’t. you look at me long and soft. like you used to. you look away gently and as i wake up to my messy room and a pounding headache i realize that flowers only bloom in my mind and maybe they don’t in real life. winter is on it’s way in and i am on my way out. so are you. someday i will find a way to be enough and to be more than that. ill find a way to continue and to love. just not today.
Despite of who I am or what has happened to me or hopeless I’ve been feeling today I am smiling because it’s February and the sun is shining and my window is open and my sheets smell fresh and clean in the small winter breeze and that is enough.
i’ve been trying to acquire a taste for black coffee but your sour taste in my mouth makes me crave something sweet. no amount of sugar and cream could mask the mess you made of me. i walk down the streets of leaves and can barely pick up my feet. my shoes squeak beneath me weighed down by loads of defeat. i’m sad and then i’m not but sad is just a state of mind and i wish i was states and states away from you. no amount of miles on my car and no amount of state lines crossed could erase you from my mind. not this time. covering you up isn’t something i can do. it isn’t something that can just happen and be over with because i am so far from done with you. and i know you’re done with me but i’ll keep choking down black coffee in remembrance and memory. of what was. of what never was. i don’t know. i don’t know much but i know that your touch made me feel like i was on top of the clouds. must have been foreshadowing because the grey of the skies seems to reflect that now. all i see is grey and it’s everywhere and it’s so dull and lifeless and pretty in some strange way. maybe i’ll paint everything that precise shade and live inside of it. i’ll build home out of it and a life and a family and a happy ending. all in grey. all in dull. all in pretty.