twists and turns

if karma is real how come you get to be happy and together and normal and nothing in my life can go in a straight line. I have dreams of floating off in the ocean and drowning somewhere far out and not feeling a thing. accounting homework drains me but maybe I’m draining myself. I don’t like numbers. I never have. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing but I guess that’s me. always doing things I don’t care about and putting what I love on the back of a bookshelf. my dreams are collecting dust along with my love for life and good luck and you. I don’t do things that make me happy because I want to be better than that, better than me but I don’t know how to be. just let me be because I’m a lost cause and no one ever waits up for me. I’m distant and quiet and people give up so easily. just take one chance on me. just one chance and I swear I can change. for you. I’m done walking under clouds and getting rained on and I’m done working late and walking home thinking of you and I’m done letting every single song sound like me missing you. I don’t miss you. I’m done missing you. and something amazing happened: the world kept turning. everyone around me kept talking. kept living. I kept living. missing you felt like everything coming to an end. when I stopped maybe everything came together. I’m not much of an optimist but I’m trying to be. I’m trying to find the rainbow in the storm. the sun behind the clouds. I’m always searching for something, something like the sun. something like you. and isn’t it funny, how quickly i found you, then how quickly i  lost you.

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