I saw her. I saw her and my skin turned green. my blood turned a billion degrees and scorched my skin. my hands balled to fists and turned into these alien things. these huge, strong things. I crushed my phone and I didn’t feel the glass in my skin or the wires shocking me. I saw her stupid thigh tattoo and her stupid face and her stupid her and I punched her and ripped her hair out and made her bleed all because she has stupid you. stupid you. stupid you and your stupid affection. I saw her and I walked right by like I had no idea who she was. who you were. I saw her and said nothing. I saw her and felt nothing.
this wasn’t any sunset. it was cotton candy and bubble gum and world peace and the end of world hunger and a new start. it was the sunset artists painted about and musicians wrote songs about and writers wrote poetry about. it was subtle and pink and blue and quiet. it hazes over the world to remind us who we are. to keep us in our place. to remind us that we need each other. never undermine the ability of a sky, of a beautiful sunset because sunsets like these, they open up closed minds, closed hearts. they feed hopes and dreams and second chances. they make people believe. it made me believe. we will get past this. we will all move past this.
if karma is real how come you get to be happy and together and normal and nothing in my life can go in a straight line. I have dreams of floating off in the ocean and drowning somewhere far out and not feeling a thing. accounting homework drains me but maybe I’m draining myself. I don’t like numbers. I never have. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing but I guess that’s me. always doing things I don’t care about and putting what I love on the back of a bookshelf. my dreams are collecting dust along with my love for life and good luck and you. I don’t do things that make me happy because I want to be better than that, better than me but I don’t know how to be. just let me be because I’m a lost cause and no one ever waits up for me. I’m distant and quiet and people give up so easily. just take one chance on me. just one chance and I swear I can change. for you. I’m done walking under clouds and getting rained on and I’m done working late and walking home thinking of you and I’m done letting every single song sound like me missing you. I don’t miss you. I’m done missing you. and something amazing happened: the world kept turning. everyone around me kept talking. kept living. I kept living. missing you felt like everything coming to an end. when I stopped maybe everything came together. I’m not much of an optimist but I’m trying to be. I’m trying to find the rainbow in the storm. the sun behind the clouds. I’m always searching for something, something like the sun. something like you. and isn’t it funny, how quickly i found you, then how quickly i lost you.
I found you at the bottom of the bottle tonight. you didn’t say much. or maybe you did. I don’t remember. I was pretty gone and I was pretty happy and pretty dancing with my pretty friends and your face was everywhere and somehow I wasn’t phased. I just danced and I laughed and I smiled. but my legs were too sad to walk me home and my heart was too heavy to carry along. I blamed my high heeled shoes and the sad drunk self that I came to know and love. I don’t let your name slide off of my tongue anymore because I want it to be only thought of happily. not how am I now. I worry about you but I don’t and I worry about me but that doesn’t cross my mind as much. a crowded bar never did anything good for me except for the night I met you. since then every night has been insubstantial. irrelevant. every night has been sad because this is the place where I met you. I guess you must’ve forgotten and that’s okay. I guess I have too. but I guess my legs haven’t. my sad drunk sleepy eyes want to close on this last thought of you but they won’t. I won’t let them. past is past and that’s where I make it stay. I don’t go back. and I know you don’t either. and I guess that’s the beauty of us. that when it ended, it actually ended. I guess that’s what sucks about us too.
i’ve been searching and digging for a place to hide, a place that’s only mine but being underground gets lonely and all i can hear are thumps and stomps and shouts from above me. telling me to change. making me change. i’ve spent months and years trying to find the girl i’ve been searching for and for a second i thought i had found her. a girl who has finally found her love for life. her passion for life. bad news and bad timing have been throwing bricks at my window one after another and as soon as i repair one another gets broken. broken windows are one thing but broken mirrors are seven years of bad luck and i wish i knew at the time but i was clumsy and seventeen and have a history of breaking things. i don’t think i’m superstitious. at least not anymore. i don’t know if i know how to believe in anything anymore. especially people. my body’s not capable but if it’s not a superstition or karma then i guess it’s just me. i’m always sitting around waiting for a good thing to happen to me. i need it. i need is so badly my body aches for it. aches for something to latch onto. and i can’t tell you that i’ll get better because maybe i won’t. maybe i will. i don’t know but i have no choice but to live with myself inside my head, to lead this life and if this is who i am then so be it. but my body is so tired of carrying around a girl it doesn’t even like. carrying around a girl who takes every comment to heart and a girl that can’t seem to find happiness anywhere she looks but finds sadness everywhere like in people and songs and books and spanish classrooms and concert venues. she exhausts me. where did the happiness go. i guess that got sick of me too. must have left me along with all of you. and i guess i don’t mind. my body longs for freedom and solitude that it can’t find and until my time comes (if it ever does) the time to find my way, i will know it with certainty. because it will be the feeling of happiness that my body has been desperate for. that its so hungry for. the feeling i thought i found in you. but i have since learned that happiness does not, in fact, come in human form. and i’m not sure what form it does come in, but i’ll be sitting here ready to find out. ready for the light at the end of the dark and endless tunnel. ready for the sun.