I saw a bright orange haze through the blinds in the kitchen windows. I stepped outside. the sky looked like the hot orange sun exploded and dispersed and a raging blue black wave weaved itself into it. I thought to myself that the world would have to end and it would have to end after this sunset because no other sunset would ever be as beautiful and heart wrenching and breath taking as the one I was staring into. no sky will ever compare to that one. but now it is midnight and the sunset has long passed and the world is still whole. still turning. the sun will rise and set tomorrow as it did today but the earth will never get a taste of anything as beautiful as it did today and that’s sad but it’s also rejuvenating. I wish I could’ve stood inside of that sunset forever but all good things end and they usually end quickly and who am I to stop them. sometimes you can’t control everything. you can’t stop things and you can’t start them. they just happen and you stare blankly. and that’s the beauty of being human. because I thought the same thing about the starry sky last night. and I still believed in this sunset just as much. I believe in things too much and that’s okay. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
let me fill my lungs with air just one last time. I’m not ready to go yet and I don’t think you are either. I don’t know if you knew but if I go down, you’re going down too. I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into but it feels like fire. no one fixes a burn with heat but I think that’s what you’ve done to me. but I don’t mind. I’d melt my whole self away any day. for you. my hand touches yours and my skin chars and slides off the bones of my fingers and it feels like home. it feels like you. like steam and bubbles and freshly brewed coffee and summer days in the south. I like the burn and I like the touch. to chase you is to climb up volcanoes on brink of eruption. a risk that i’m willing to face. everything seems impossible especially living in my head. I miss your spark. your heat. I miss you. I miss the spontaneity of you. how you could flame up and die out on me so quickly in conversations in your dorm room. how you always walked in a room with light and warmth, kind of like a candle. like you could glow in the dark and you knew it. how we seemed to live a day ahead and get in as much of each other we possibly could before time ran out. everything was so rushed and fast and hot and almost burning. you left me burned. burnt out. and as much as my scars hurt and I hate how they look now I hope to one day see your flame again. your scorching touch. but fire like you is once in a lifetime and I’m afraid by now I’ve turned to ice. hold me again. melt me again.
I’m not much for religion but the mix of church bells with the very light thud of rain and grey skies made me think of a time where simplicity was beauty and complexity wasn’t worth my time. I don’t believe in anything or anyone really but today I want to start. I want to believe in people. I want to believe in me.
this morning I’m much more groggy than I have been in a very long time. my legs and my back ache and I feel like a forty year old in a nineteen year old body. everything crashes and breaks all at once and I’m bracing myself for the good part afterwards. the beauty after the storm but it never seems to come. my car is in the shop and the center console of my dads car won’t shut. I slammed it with all of my might and I think I broke it a little more. oh well. that’s what I do. when things are broken I don’t fix them I just break them more until there is nothing left of them. it’s the fourth of july and I wanted to sleep all day but I didn’t and as the fireworks flew through the sky and made me feel something just for a minute my friend next to me said “wow that one was coming right for us!” and all I could think was I could only hope I would die in such a beautiful fashion. it amazes me how the most destructive things are the most beautiful. fire, water, storms, boys you meet in shitty bars. some hurt lingers but not much and I guess I’ve just taught myself to brush things off and not feel things much anymore. I don’t know if what I’m writing right now is poetry or sleepy thoughts or just jumbled words but I do know that I have an early shift at dunkin donuts tomorrow and this fucking horrific shit writing is taking away a few minutes of sleep so goodnight and happy independence day and I hope you can learn how to pick yourself up after beautiful, destructive things destroy you. I hope you learn to move forward. and I hope you all end up a hell of a lot different than me. goodnight.