dirt

the days go by so quickly and for some reason it always feels like nighttime. my head is spinning and I always feel like crying but I never do. whenever I try to keep a firm grasp on things they still seem to slip and after a few occasions of this happening I realize it’s not them. it’s me. I have a hard time remembering small and big things and dates and times but I remember most everything about you and even when I don’t want to or I’m not up to it or don’t feel like it, I’m thinking of them. thinking of you. nights always play in slow motion and I don’t feel like I’m living them but watching them stroll by. I say a lot of the same things and do a lot of the same things because I’m convinced these things make me happy so why do I feel so fucking down. I have weird ticks and triggers and no one really gets them but I get them and I know what to stay away from. I know what to distance myself from so why do I want to pull you so close to me? most of the time nothing really makes sense especially in my mind and even more so on paper. I wish I had a better way to tell you all of this. a better technique. better words or a better tone but I’m not sure I know how to make this better. or if I even know how to make anything better. I guess best depends on your preference and if best is what you want then best is what you’ll get. elsewhere. and that’s why you left and I get that. I comprehend and I understand and I accept. I will not hold you back and I refuse to so don’t lean on me. leave with ease. go away with the breeze because my heart always lags behind and misses what leaves and we can’t keep teasing it the way we have. leave me. leave me and forget me. it’s what you need. it’s what I need. 

magnets and miles 

I’m a coward and I know this but I’m just searching for happiness in all the wrong places and I’m scared that my search is coming to an end. not because I found a light at the end of the long fucking tunnel or anything. it’s nothing like that. it feels a lot more like giving up and I guess I’ve come to peace with those words. good things run full speed ahead away from me and I can’t tell if I push them or I repel them but either way I’m still left decently empty and a type of sad that doesn’t just wear off but digs into your skin and seeps into your bones. a kind of sad that can only be felt after a great and massive happiness. a drop from a high, a hangover after a good night. a heartache after an amazing guy. good things never last and I know this but I just want something to stick. something to take off its coat and kick off its shoes and stay a while. something to sip a cup of coffee next to while listening to turnover or aaron west or just anything and talk with. something permanent and something that I didn’t have to beg to stay. something that wanted me as much as I wanted him.