I kept saying that I would never believe in anything again and then you came strolling into my mess of a head and changed most everything. you changed my perception and my hollow chest. I knew I shouldn’t have let you. but you were different. you were so kind. gentle. you gave me your jacket to wear home. you bought me a drink. you kissed me the first night I met you and asked “where have you been this whole time?” I can’t remember a time where I felt that whole. so warm. you were so different but now that I’m closer you are so the same. you are becoming less interested. I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones you don’t want me anymore. I’m not as confident this time around. I’ve read this book once before. I know how it ends. I know that miles can take a toll on people. I know new and old places can change people or make them who they used to be. I know that I’m not enough to keep you around and that’s okay. I want you to be whole and happy and if that’s without me then do what you need. do what you need and I’ll just let you float on. I’ve never been one to fight for what I want and you are not exception. I will just let you go. I just let you go.
we live a day ahead somewhere that hasn’t happened yet but will happen soon. when we’re eighty and on our death beds we’ll regret our impatience and spontaneity but right now it’s enough and it’s all we’ve got. we listen to soft music with pretty words and guitars and talk about the past and the future and we make love and tell each other about our pets and fall asleep. yesterday doesn’t suffice for us. we want to stay on the edge and live and love and regret and learn. I want to live a few days ahead with you.
I can’t explain the emptiness I feel. college and boys and good friends and family are supposed to be fulfilling and happy. society says that I have to go to college and get an education and fall in love and get married and have kids and die feeling fulfilled but this is not for me. I know in my bones that this is not me. I can’t help but feel I took a wrong turn and am supposed to be somewhere else. I want to do something that matters. I’m going through my days slowly and everything is so fucking normal. I want to be wild. I want to do spontaneous things and travel and help those who aren’t as fortunate as me. I know this is the life I should be living. I walk across campus and feel in the air that I don’t belong here. I lay in my bed in my small home town and know that I don’t belong here. my mind has always been a wanderer and I know that my heart longs for the same. I’m so scared to make the change but I feel like I have to. this is not me. I need so much more than these small towns can give me. I don’t know where I belong and I don’t think I belong anywhere. I belong everywhere.