the person that I am vs. the person that I want to be

I want to be a person that doesn’t hesitate. a person who isn’t afraid to cross boundaries but I am. I’m small and subtle and delicate. my head is messy and I’m afraid of moving forward. I’m scared. I won’t lie to you. my past will always be behind me. he will still be there tapping on my shoulder and whisper sly comments but I swear I’ve gotten better at ignoring him. he wants to be changed but everyone knows he cant. the past cannot be changed. my past is messy and unorganized and I’m sure yours is too but moving forward is important. I am moving forward. I know that moving forward is so unknown and terrifying but I also know that you and me running into at the bar wasn’t coincidental. your sly glances at me didn’t go unnoticed. the intoxicated shout in your ear asking what your name wasn’t anticipatory to this. i don’t know how I can be two different people but I think I am. a piece of me wants to move forward. a big piece of me wants you. but a small fraction of my being longs for the past. I want to let the new me take control. I want to move forward. i want to learn new passions and dreams of a new person. I want to share my new self with a new person. moving forward is scary and weird probably for both of us but it will make us stronger and more able to run away from the pasts that are at our heels, tapping on our shoulders and whispering in our ears. it will be terrifying to open ourselves up again and become vulnerable again but I’m ready for fresh. I’m ready for different. I’m ready for you. 

snow in april

you aren’t for me, but i think of you anyways. i’m very used to not having you and that’s fine. i’m fine now. i don’t think of you often anymore and i’ve learned how to take care of myself. i’ve learned how to be alone and i’ve become so accustomed to it. i don’t know if i know how to be together anymore. i’ve been thinking about why i’m sad but i can’t really pinpoint where it started or what it is. i want to be someone that can wake up and smile regardless of the weather but i’ve had trouble sleeping lately and the bags under my eyes and the snow on the ground are enough to remind me that i’m not happy anymore and i’m okay with that. in life everyone gets happy and sad moments and  i’m still breathing so i guess the sad isn’t so bad. i’m scared to change and i don’t know where i’m headed anymore. my legs keep walking and my car keeps driving and my mouth keeps talking but i don’t know who this girl is. but i hope i can become more like her. maybe someday she will teach me how to laugh and cry and love and feel and i will take it all in. or maybe she won’t and i’ll dive into the water and live at the bottom of the ocean and make friends with the fish and the dolphins and make a new me. or maybe i’ll drive and drive until i run out of road and find a cute coffee shop with nice waitresses and yummy pastries and i’ll settle down there and read old books and learn to love myself. or maybe i’ll sit here at this desk and wonder who i am until i can’t think straight. maybe that’s what i’m doing right now. maybe i’ll never stand up. maybe i’ll stay here forever.