books, rambling and the end of the world

every time i finish a book i feel so odd like the world isn’t real. the story i was just in was real. the characters were real. the world ending was real. the deaths and the smiles were real. i close the book and look up at this life i’m living. a college dorm and a sleeping roommate and wonder why i am here. what I’m doing here and what my purpose is. do i even have a purpose? i’m not sure anymore. i look at the ceiling and i see white but it seems so incomprehensible. why do i get to be a girl in college who is free and careless yet so unhappy? that’s so unfair. to the world. to everyone. but not to me. i should be happy and motivated and beautiful and exciting. i don’t know who i am but if the world were to end six weeks from now id want to be someone who is trusting, honest. someone people could count on. someone fun and outgoing and wasn’t afraid of anything. i want to be that girl for me and for everyone. if an asteroid were to hit the earth and blow everything up tomorrow id want to know that i made a difference. on at least one person. made one person happy and made one person feel like they were worth it. because we all are. we are all worth it. 

blue skies and long car rides

i fall in love

on long interstate highways 

during traffic and open roads 

passing exit signs and semi trucks

crossing county and state lines

pennsylvania has never felt so small

i pass your car and our eyes meet

but I keep driving

and I can’t slow down and I drift 

past the road

our smiles weren’t wide enough for the open road

and neither were our hearts

on the long interstate road

our cars only cross for a second

and if we are being honest

there are many cars and miles between us now

things that can’t be broken through

and my car won’t stop for anyone

not for me not for you 

I’m taking this road far far away from you 

inspired by the hot summer sun and the wonder years 

songs of the summer are symbols of simpler times. simpler people. a simpler me. my mind often ventures off to those times where i was so happy and i don’t understand how that was not that long ago but such a lifetime ago all the same. i haven’t been happy like that in months. it was so fleeting. so fast. the happiness. it was there and then it wasn’t. if i felt it now im not sure id even recognize it. i guess that’s what’s so beautiful about being happy; how rare and sparkling it feels. the sun makes it easy to fall in love without thinking of the consequences. it shines all day then it sets and to remind you that not everything lasts forever but you should dive in anyways. dive into the salt water ocean or small town lake and take a chance. love. tread the water and swim around a while. don’t let it go. hold onto it. the summer air makes it so easy to stay around the fire until midnight when you have a 5 am shift in the morning and it makes it easy to say yes when he asks you to take the back roads home. it makes it easy to sneak in the door at 8 am with messy hair, still half drunk and talking to your mom in the morning. i gave the summer my all and it left me with nothing. i gave you my all and now im nothing. and i can’t say I regret even a second of it.