outer space

I want to be someone you want, someone you need but all I am are dull colors that will never complete your bright picture. You occupy a world I will never understand and I will always be a planet over trying to put the pieces together. The stars are bright but so disconnected. I wonder how they stay bright without each other because I lost my shine along with you. The clouds are covering the stars tonight and the little drizzle of rain reminds me of how it felt to occupy a world where you and I could live side by side without any questions. I don’t know why there has to be a question now. I always thought our planets were kept warm by the same sun but lately I can’t tell. My skin feels different without you. My skin feels empty without you underneath it. It feels like just yesterday you were pissing me off with your cynical opinions and shitty music but today I play the same music through my headphones with content and warmth. The stars are hidden tonight and that leaves me feeling a sort of hollow I’ve never known. I never understood how people could live in a place without the beauty of the stars and I never understood why they were even there in the first place. They keep me company and tonight I’m alone. I’m turning myself around and I don’t know what that means for you and me but I’m afraid it means the same thing it’s always meant. I keep running in the same similar circles hoping I’ll fall straight into you but for some reason you are no longer in the same orbit and again I’m alone. The black of the sky is gloomy but I like how it feels. The cold feels good and familiar like your hands used to. One day maybe you and me can be something other than past lovers but today that’s all we are. I guess I’m okay with that. The Milky Way is lonely and so are you and so am I. Drop everything and look at the stars with me. Float away with me. 

im upset and this post makes no sense

i’ve been locked up alone in my room for a few days. no one forced me to. but no one tells me not to either. being alone with yourself can really take a toll on the mind. on the heart. i don’t really know where i am lately. me or my head or my heart. where any of me is. im just floating around in the cold air like a snowflake waiting for someone to put me back on my feet. it’s really easy to feel like you have no one. especially when you’ve been alone for three days and no one texts. no one calls. no one notices. i want to go home and i want to go somewhere very far away but i don’t want to be here. i don’t know who i am when im here. i cant stay here anymore. this place is ruining me. its tearing my insides out and making me do things i have never thought of before. im trying to find peace in my head. my love and hatred for myself battle each other every single second and i can only come up with one person to blame for all of this. im cursed and everything i touch, breaks. i should stop blaming this small, sad town and start blaming the small, sad girl who occupies it. towns don’t ruin people. people ruin people. i dont have a fucking clue where im going or where ill end up but i know that if i don’t get out of here soon, i might lose my head. i think that i already have.

my hardest college lecture

It’s such a burden to not like who you are and what you are doing because you think you can change it but you can’t. It feels like a weight in your chest keeping you down on your back pinning you down. You can’t change and you won’t change. You’re tired and you’re sad and that’s all you are. You are petty and I can’t even look at you. You have no energy and you don’t know why you are this way but you know where it started and you know that it has gotten worse with time. Each day is the same person waking up out of the same bed doing the same things she does everyday and feeling the same way. Sadness dwells on you like a disease now. It’s like a leech stuck on the skin sucking the life out of you. Do you even know where you are anymore? You’re so old and washed up for eighteen. I guess they just make eighteen look so pretty. They make it look so exciting and beautiful and free but you are the opposite of those things. You are long hair, pale skin and dark circles under brown eyes. You are dull. You are a slave to your own body. Not being enough to keep the guy or not making the cheer team didn’t take your heart, it was you. Don’t go pointing fingers. You’re all there is to blame and I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re happy now.