i don’t belong here. i don’t belong anywhere 

if i could look myself in the face and tell myself one thing, i would tell myself that other people don’t define me. i am eighteen years old and i have never known a person that respected me the way i respected them. i have never been treated with the same kindness that i give and i have never been treated with the same consideration. is it wrong to just want someone to listen to me? i try to glide by and be the college kid im supposed to be but i am not her. i am so different from the people around me. i’m overly passionate about almost everything and i do sweat the small stuff, even when everyone tells me not to. i worry about every little thing so other people don’t have to. i let my friends talk and as much as they need to because i know what it’s like to have no one to listen. i want everyone to have what i don’t. i want everyone to be at peace with themselves and their bodies and who they surround themselves with. and i will never be at peace with any of those things. 

man overboard 

I didn’t want to drink tonight but here I am; much more drunk than I’d like to be listening to man overboard and thinking of you kind of how it used to be. The band broke up tonight and for some reason these songs sound like you and I guess the band going on break kind of symbolizes me and you although you and me are so apart and will never be mended. Man overboard broke up and it feels like my world falling apart around me, kind of like the day that you left me. the song playing right now sounds like you and I can’t shake it off. I want to shake this off but I don’t know how and every time I find the courage to stand up again, something else knocks me down and I guess one of my favorite bands breaking up should have been something I expected. Kind of like I should have expected you to leave. I have got to stop trying to find hope in hopeless situations and in hopeless people. I am hopeless and so are you. This song makes me want  to grab your face and kiss you and yell into your hopeless eyes that I am the one for you and you the one for me. Our hopelessness could become one. I wish you could see that. I wish you listened to man overboard because then maybe you’d feel it as deep as me. Maybe you would be able to feel disappointment and remorse. Maybe then you’d be sad enough to your core that you felt what I do. I miss you tonight and I miss man overboard tonight but last night, I didn’t. Last night man overboard was still a band and last night you didn’t cross my mind. I’m ok normally but ok is not happy. Ok is not even content. Content is not even close to happy but I want to be that someday. Maybe ill find you again someday. man overboard wasn’t broken up last night but tonight they are and you and I always have been. 

becoming me

i have spent so much time searching for a person who looks even just a little bit like me. searching for someone who talks and acts like me but does what she loves and doesn’t listen when people try to put her down. i’ve been searching for the girl who follows her dreams and can look forward to the future. i don’t know if this girl exists or would even give me a glance if i found her but it’s important that i keep searching. it’s important that i find her within the deepest crevices of myself and turn myself into her. i know she’s in here and i know she’s been waiting for the right time; the right time to make herself known. i’m becoming weary of the search but i will not give up. i will not give up on myself. i will be happy. i will not let anyone tear me down. i will rely on no one. i will depend on myself and i will smile at all of my demons. i am becoming me now. no one can stop me. not even me.

old words and new paper

nothing makes me feel better. intoxicating my blood with alcohol and weed could never make me feel higher than I did the day I laid on a blanket in the woods next to you. you are nothing special on the surface. all you care about is beer and what you look like and country music but when I talked to you, I felt so alive. you are unforgettable and I am sorry but the way the unforgetting feels makes me wish I had never met you. (i know unforgetting isn’t a word but why shouldn’t it be if forgetting gets to be a word? it’s not fair that forgetting can happen and unforgetting can’t.) it’s been four months and I’m in the same place I started. I knew I was a slow runner but I never expected it to be so difficult to get the finish line. you are excellent. you are awful and you are so out of reach. I’m getting better at recognizing when people don’t want me anymore and I’m getting better at recognizing when to let things go. I’m getting better with my words and not using them. I’m getting better at realizing that nobody is listening. today I forget you. tomorrow I will unforget you. but tonight, I am okay without you. tonight I will sleep soundly. tonight, I don’t need you. 

hopeless hopeless hopeless

when you’re silently laying next to the guy you’re hopelessly in love with, and by hopelessly I mean literally hopelessly. there is no hope of you escaping what has found its way into your chest and there is no way to tell if he sees hope, if anything, in you at all, and you watch his chest rise and fall and you listen to his small snore and think that that snore is the sound you want to fall asleep to for the rest of your life. that might sound like love but to me it sounds like an unescaping hole of a person and a loss of hope. he is your hopelessness and you don’t even mind much that your relationship is hopeless because it’s hopeless with him and even though you knew it wouldn’t last forever, you still enjoyed it while it lasted. you took it all in and didn’t take one second for granted because you knew it would disappear as quickly and suddenly it came. and even now as much as it hurts you’d do it all again just for it to end the same way. just to love hopelessly for a few months to feel empty after it all. it was that pure and that crazy and that perfect and that hopeless. i would do it all again with you. 

i think i might need you

no one wants a sad girl. no one goes after the girl who spends most of her time in her room, staring at the wall and listening to sad songs. no one picks the girl who’s mind is too big for her small frame and who writes to just feel something. no one falls in love with the girl with the overly sleepy eyes and pale skin and a heart too big for her chest. no one loves a girl who thinks and can’t stop. who could love that?

karma always seems to come back to the wrong people at the wrong times. i don’t know what i have done to deserve all of this back lash but i am very tired of the loneliness and solitude she brought with it. i didn’t ask for or earn this. i have been quiet and i have been very distant and hesitant. i’ve been respectful. i have done no wrong as you have and i am the one with the consequences. i am the one who takes the blame. and for you i always would. i guess i’m content with it.

i can tell you i miss you and you can not say it back but not deny it all the same. i know you well enough now. you will not speak any words i can hold against you and you won’t give me but a minuscule ounce of hope so that i will still be on your last thread but not completely out of your life. i know what you are doing but i’m not sure i give a fuck anymore. i want you and i guess that’s all i know and i don’t think i want anything else.

i know you’re bad for me and you’re poisonous but you’re a drug and even though i know you’re killing my insides i still come back for more and tonight i am lonely and will send you a message in my mind that says “i’m feeling alone tonight. come lay in bed and listen to aaron west with me” and i know that your reply (if you even replied at all) would be some sort of joke about my music and nothing more. that is hope for me and no strings attached for you. i’m not okay with that one bit but what do i care anymore. i dont have it in me to care about anything anymore. but i guess that’s quite stupid because you don’t even think about me. not even a little bit. not at all.

if you thought about me i’d like to imagine that you’d think only good things. i hope you would think about the many nights we spent under the stars or the drive in movies we saw or the kickball games we played with your family. i’d hope that you would miss those times and for a second wish that you could have them back. i know you don’t but if you did that’s what i would hope you would think. i wish you thought of me but it’s okay that you don’t. i wouldn’t expect you to and honestly why would you.