I met you last night

I always like to think that you think about me from time to time but I know that you have moved on. You have grown and you have outgrown this place. Maybe even more than me. I learned that tonight.  

But all night I have looked at you and you look the same as when I saw you last. I tried not to stare but it didn’t seem real, you and me in the same room but you touched me like you used to and spoke to me like you still knew who I was. You don’t know me anymore. I have changed and so have you. I wish I knew you now. 

I wish I knew every piece of you. I would tell you all of this because quite frankly I just don’t give a fuck what people think about me but I am fragile. I cannot allow myself to be vulnerable to you again. I stood straight and I smiled only small smiles. I tried to not look you in the eye and I ignored your hand on my knee all while all I wanted to do was kiss you and forget the rest. 

As I am laying on the floor of my dads living room listening to you snore at 3 am I realize now more than ever that I will never get over you. You completed the best parts of me and I wish our lives could have run parallel to one another but you don’t need me anymore. You don’t want the attachment and that’s okay. I just wish I would have been worth it, at least a little bit. 

Did you feel that? Because to me it felt like summer and it felt like our eyes melting into each other’s like they once did. I was afraid of that. I’m afraid of a lot of things and most of them include you. You possess so much power over me and I am just another girl to you. I don’t know how this happened but I don’t know where I am anymore. 

As I lay on the floor below the chair you’re sleeping in all I can think of is being yours again. We used to sleep on random floors kissing the night away, not caring who was around or who could hear our soft whispers. 

I got up and slept upstairs. 

So don’t play me like that. Don’t look me in the eyes and don’t touch me like that. Don’t argue over music genres with me and look me in the eyes like nothing’s changed because it has. 

I have worked far too hard for you to just walk in and smile at me. (I watched it all break in front of me.) I am weak and I am vulnerable but only for you. 

We are still different but now we are also very separate. Very apart. Very distant. 

The last four months went by so quickly but the days moved slowly. I spent them writing and reading and listening to songs that made me think of you. College is ok but I would have much rather spent those months next to you. 

You are poison to me and I have a feeling that you already know this and that’s ok. It’s ok that I can’t have you anymore. I’m ok with that. I have come to peace with this so please don’t come marching back into my head and causing a ruckus. Please don’t look at me with those eyes and expect me to melt into them again. Because I won’t. I have learned from you and what I have learned is that alcohol doesn’t make me crazy anymore because I am already intoxicated by the way you look at me. You are poison in my bloodstream and you run through my veins, and I guess that’s why I can’t look at you, because I’m always going to want more. 

Go on. Be happy. Smile your best smile and tell girls you love them. They will always believe you. 

cold hands

I know I let people down and I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to change who I am.

I change my mind like I change my socks, and that’s quite often. Actually, more than what’s considered normal. 

But I’m not normal. I am me. I’m messy. I’m confused and I’m lost and if you see me around my hair will probably be askew and one of my shoes untied but the look on my face will be put together. I won’t let you in so easily. 

I’m forgetful and I don’t mean everything I say. I catch feelings and then I drop them because I’m scared of them and they feel so hot they burn my hands. I kiss boys I don’t like and ignore the ones I do. I’m scared. I can admit that. But we all have fears we don’t want to face and I don’t want to face you because I can run from you and why stay when i can go. going is so easy. going feels normal.

I don’t know who I am but I know who I want to be. I’m not sure how to become this person but I guess I’ll keep trying. I’m trying not to lose my heart but when so many things go wrong, how can I still call myself an optimist? I’m a poser. I believe in things that aren’t real and could never be and I believe with my whole heart and soul. I don’t let go of things easily and I guess that makes me a hypocrite too, because I want you to let go of me. 

I guess this is it then. Me letting go of you. Gently and halfheartedly, just in case you change your mind. Not that I expect you to. Not that I expect anything from anyone anymore. I’m just trying to be myself and move on, but as we all know, that’s much easier said than done like many other things like breaking someone’s heart or telling them how you really feel or letting someone in after someone has torn out your heart and shaped it into something completely different; into something that looks a lot like them. 

I’m trying to stop writing but I don’t know if I’ll ever run out of words. You inspire me in the worst ways, in the darkest ways. I’ve been painted a dark grey of sorts but not all the way black. I’ve still got some light left in me, thank you for noticing. I’m trying to lighten up, to be the me that is bright and gleaming but I have forgotten who that girl is. I don’t think she exists anymore and I’m not all that sad that she is gone. Maybe I outgrew her. Maybe I’m outgrowing you. Maybe I’m outgrowing myself. 

So, that’s it then. I’ll go on with my life and you’ll go on with yours. Our paths won’t cross again and our names won’t show up on each other’s social media anymore. It’ll be like we never knew each other so I guess that’s okay. The sun will still rise and the earth still rotate. Nothing will stop for us or for me. And who would expect it to? Like I said, I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore and I urge you to follow suit.