moving day

 

i don’t sleep well very often but lately i have been happy. i know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. i was happy. i don’t write when i’m happy. i don’t know if i can. do you ever go through your whole day exhausted but know you aren’t going to sleep well that night? i know that sounds stupid out loud. but when i get my wheels turning (which is pretty often to say the least) my mind wanders up and down and left and right and in directions that i swear aren’t known by woman or man but it always lands in the same old place. this effects my sleeping habits and eating habits and who even knows what else but honestly i’m sick and tired of thinking about you. i don’t know why you think you still have the right to live in my mind and carry on all night. i thought we had an understanding about this? *EVICTION NOTICE* please, pack your things. you are not welcome here anymore. you are too loud at night and you haven’t paid rent in weeks. please, have all of your things gone by morning. they aren’t wanted here anymore.

 

i have a million things to do tonight. i’m failing biology but what does that matter? i don’t need it and who does anyways? i’ve been going through my days slowly. i’ve been talking to myself far too often (is that weird?) i keep backtracking. i take a couple baby steps ahead and end up back where i started. things get better as they get worse. i like and try to look on the bright side of things but that’s pretty difficult when you’re not really sure how. i think about the world a lot. i’m sick of terrorism and innocent people dying across the globe and children not having clean drinking water and animal cruelty and littering and america never stepping in during times of crisis when other countries really need us to. all of these things make me want to be to be a politician and join the army and be a clean water activist and a vegan and an environmentalist and be the president. i will never do any of these things. i’m not smart enough and neither are any of you. i’m going to sit back and watch our world blow up or perish or melt with the ozone layer from pollution and global warming and nuclear war with the rest of the human population. i know there are over 7 billion of us but we can’t seem to find the intelligence to do something intelligent or moral or something that would make a difference. i don’t know what this world is or who we are or what we are doing but i can’t live here anymore. i think i am moving to saturn. have a nice life. see you on the flip side.

 

you’ve taught me that leaving is always the answer, so thank you for that. i live a lovely life on saturn, thank you for asking. i’m really glad that i get cell phone reception here. it gets kind of lonely but i’m happy nonetheless. i have a few good books to read and twitter usually keeps me busy. they don’t care if i pass biology here and that’s good because i didn’t really ever have a chance at that, did i? there are 62 moons on saturn and each of them looks like you. do you remember all of those summer nights under the stars? those are some of my favorite memories from my time on earth. sorry, i don’t think i will return any time soon. (or ever.) saturn is rainy and i can’t ship items from amazon here but i like saturn because it has yet to be corrupted. by terrorists or dictators or dirty drinking water or cute boys with perfect smiles they lie through. every problem there was on earth doesn’t exist anywhere here but in my mind.  i will remember it all but i will never speak any of it out loud. thank you for writing to me although i don’t really want you to anymore. i miss you a thousand times for every moon in the Saturn night sky but mail costs a fortune here. you won’t hear from me again. love always, the girl who’s heart was too big for earth but too small for you.

 

14715

i can’t forget how depressed i was the week before i left for school and how hollow i felt watching you slowly lose grip of my hand and how i kept wondering how something as simple as having you around made this empty town feel less empty and more attractive. you made it appealing. you made not leaving for college and working at dunkin donuts for the rest of my life sound like a good idea. you made me want to fall asleep to the sound of you breathing every night and wake up to your bright smile and morning coffee together at the kitchen table. you made me want to be someone i wouldn’t have even thought of before i found you. and maybe that’s why you and me could never work out. maybe that’s why we didn’t. maybe you are far too poisonous for my heart and i am far too loving for yours. but now, i’m making a promise to you and myself to never forget how helpless i felt in that town without you. i promise you i will never forget the control you had over me and how empty you made me and this town feel. i promise with my whole fucking heart that i will never let you or anyone else have that control over me again. i promise you that i will never find a sadness that deep ever again and i promise that i will not miss you anymore. i promise you that i will never forget that fucking horrible last week of summer and i will never forget the immature boy that made me feel that way. i promise i won’t forget you, but i will remember you in the worst way. i will remember you as the boy who ignored my phone calls during the day and sent me drunk texts at three a.m.. i promise i will remember who you really are. i promise to never forget that boy and i promise to never forget that last week of summer spent home alone.

sunday 

it is sunday

out of everyday of the week, sunday has got to be the saddest 

after carefree, costume and gin filled weekends, sundays are there to remind you that you have responsibilities, you have a heart and you have feelings that may have slipped your mind for a couple of days 

on friday and saturday i don’t think about you but on sunday i miss you 

sunday is a stand-still day always smiling and waiting to remind me that you still exist and i am still empty regardless of what i tell myself the day before

i am grateful for sunday for keeping me on track but i resent sunday because sunday never forgets you and sunday always keeps you tucked in a pocket in the back of my head 

sunday thinks she is doing me a favor but she is ruining me all the same

i want to be happy 

but sunday wants me to be realistic 

sunday always wins because she comes every week to make sure i won’t forget to do my homework and go to my classes and think of you 

i don’t want to 

but on sunday i am lonely and i have not much to do so i always end up missing you 

not that you were ever around but just the fact that you were mine 

i don’t need this or you 

i don’t need your thoughtless text messages late at night or your asshole comments or your instagram likes that remind me that you are there and i am here 

but on sunday i long for that 

on sunday i wake up, drink my coffee, and look out the window and the leaves remind me of you 

on sunday i forget that you’re not mine anymore 

on sunday I remember that you’re not mine anymore