inside my head

sadness is in my blood. it streams through my veins now. it’s so permanent and it is home. you aren’t the cause of it but you sure don’t help much. you keep running through my head. you never go away. don’t you ever get tired? i wish i had it in me to just bash and bang my head against the wall repeatedly just to get you the fuck out of there and then maybe i’d lose enough blood to let the sadness seep out of me with you. i don’t want to die by any means, i just want to be free. free of all of these poisons that inhabit my body. free of sadness. free of you. 

Sweet Dreams

Right now it is 6:14 am and I don’t know why I am awake but I’ve spent the whole night drinking and yesterday I didn’t miss you anymore but this morning you are all that crosses my mind. I was thinking about other couples and how fake their love is and how lustful they are but how in love we were and how true it was but then I got to thinking that you don’t love. You don’t know how and I don’t think you ever did. So I guess I was just thinking about how in love I was and you pretended to be. I’ve been thinking about couples and how people like me love with all of their hearts and always get destroyed and how people like you just kiss and make love, no strings attached, so meaningless and get out scot free. You are fire and I am always drawn to you. I get burned every time but I’m afraid I will never learn my lesson. I keep hoping you will change and pick me up from the burnt remnants on the ground, but you and I both know that could never happen. It’s 6:22 in the fucking morning and you are banging pots and pans and screaming in my mind. I’m sorry that when I love I don’t love easy and I’m even more sorry that when you love you don’t really love at all. I’m sorry that I’m so vulnerable and let my guard down and I’m sorry that you are hard as a rock and can’t even speak to me anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you can’t love me anymore, but now I know you never did. You fall in lust just like every other eighteen year old in this world and I’m afraid you always will. I really just wish that you would grow up. And I really just wish that I could fall back asleep. 

subtweet

the thing about being happy is you can’t feel that way forever. eventually you’ll fall down from your high and end up on the ground where you started and where you’ll always stay. happiness is a shooting star and sadness lives in your heart. happiness feels good but lasts for only a split second. it covers the dark sky for just a moment. but you are sadness. you are created by it.  it’s not one thing it’s a million little ones that keep piling on and weighing down your smile and your body that can’t allow you to feel good anymore. something in this universe doesn’t want you to be happy and you have to come to peace with that. you grow content with that. and how sad is that. to be sad is to waste valuable time but it is so natural and it is home. you can be happy for just a day or two or even for six months but something has always got to keep holding you there and when that something lets go you fall and you don’t stop until there’s nowhere lower to go. they tell you not to let others control your happiness but what other choice do you have? you are a natural sadness. you are a grey cloud and light rain. you are happiness for only a second and sadness for a lifetime. you are helpless and you are content at the same time. you are sadness and you know nothing else. 

Advice I Gave Myself

If you are sad in the fall, you will be sad in the winter 

The seasons might change, but they can’t change who you are

Don’t think that when 2015 turns to 2016 you will become a new you

Because the number might change, but you won’t 

As you stare at the clock waiting for this painful lecture to end your mind wanders here and there and everywhere but pauses on someone who doesn’t matter anymore

The numbers on the clock change slowly but your mind remains in the same place 

Time doesn’t change who you are 

It doesn’t change what you feel 

Only you can do that

Don’t rely on time to do all of the work for you

Because it will surely let you down like everyone else 

Change your own mind and change your own future

Take initiative and make yourself happy

Don’t rely or anyone or anything else to heal you or protect you or change you 

The seasons and the clock can’t change you

And the new year can’t either

I think it’s time you help yourself

Make a change

Moose Blood

I know I was young and stupid and I didn’t know what I was getting myself into,

But I don’t mean any of that in a bad way.

You were never mine and you never will be but I will still keep imagining that you were.

I wish I could hate who you are now but if you are happy, I am happy.

We don’t have to talk anymore because what would be the point? I am here and you are there. We are not one anymore.

We are separate and we are different. But we always have been.

But don’t worry, I knew the whole time and I knew that this wouldn’t end in a lovely fashion, like one in a fairytale. I knew that this would happen and I knew it was coming soon.

Don’t let me convince you that this came by surprise.

I will never get my hopes up again.

And I urge you to do the same.

I am different now. I am not the same girl you left with only a sad smile and a goodbye.

And maybe one day you’ll meet her.

And she’ll ask, “You used to have stars in your eyes. Where have they gone?”

And you won’t know how to respond because you never remember them being there.

She’ll look familiar to you but you won’t be able to recollect where you’ve seen her before.

But don’t worry, she’ll tell you everything.

This girl won’t be afraid anymore and she won’t bite her tongue anymore.

She’s new and she’s clean and she’s fearless and she’s free and she’s light.

And then you’ll remember where you’ve seen her.

October

I’m not bitter anymore

Maybe it’s because I’m not me anymore and I’ve been doing things the old me wouldn’t even have thought of doing

When I feel the alcohol flow through my bloodstream, I feel you flee from my head

I can’t explain this

But I think the new me wants you gone

And so do I

It’s like you gently and slowly fade away each time

And I think I might like it

But I hate it

It’s as if my body can’t allow two different poisons in it at once

So when I take another sip, I begin to forget your laugh

And your smile and your face

And next thing I know

I’m hanging off the next guy

I don’t remember his name

But I don’t remember yours either

I’d like to blame you for all of this

But I can’t blame you for who I am now because you’re not around anymore

You are not the sun anymore and you’re not summer anymore

It’s fall now and I watched you blow away with the leaves

It’s October now and the cold feels bitter without you

But I have a jacket and I can brave the weather

I can bear the cold on my own

I think I’m moving forward

There are some days you still cross my mind, just know it’s always in a good way. Trying to not think of you has become me not thinking about you. I like the way it feels. I feel light and I feel clean. I’m working on becoming someone I can live with. Someone who sleeps soundly though the whole night and wakes up and does her makeup and gets dressed without feeling tired. I want to feel pretty and stand tall next to all of my demons. I want to be someone who can focus on school, on movies, on myself. I want to be someone who can listen to her favorite songs and not think of you. Someday I’m going to be this person. Someday I’ll become the person I have always wanted to be. The first step in becoming someone new is leaving your old life behind. I will still remember who I was then but I won’t dwell on it anymore. I am leaving you and every other sad and lonely memory only to be seen in my rear view mirror. I am no longer at a stand still. I am moving forward. Today I am becoming me.