dear you,

I want you to know that I have gotten better at not thinking about you. I’m tired of stroking my pen across the paper just to write the same old story but you’re stuck in my head like an overplayed song on the radio and you inspire me in the saddest way. So maybe I haven’t gotten much better, but even a little progress is still progress, isn’t it? I don’t know. I don’t know much anymore. I used to think I knew it all. I really thought I had this all figured out. But now I have forgotten the simple things, like how to sleep and how to dream soundly. I’ve forgotten how to speak and I’ve forgotten who I am. You were the glue holding me together and I regret everyday letting you have that control over me; the control to let me fall apart at any moment. I don’t know why it is embedded in the eighteen year old mind that college must change how we live and how we act. But somehow it is but it doesn’t have to be that way. Why should 187 miles keep two people apart? Our generation is missing the initiative and drive of being in a relationship. Our generation is thirsty for only convenience and pleasure. I think I have been put in the wrong generation though because I know regardless of where I end up, I will always have eyes for you. 187 miles away and I’m still dreaming of only you. How sad is that? What is sadder is that us eighteen year old kids are letting this place change who we are. You’ve let this place change who you are and what I want to do is shake you awake from this fantasy you’re living in and tell you to get control of yourself. I want to tell you to look at yourself dead in the face in the mirror and ask yourself who you have become. I bet you a million dollars that you have no idea. As summer fades to autumn I try to focus on everything good and new and my brain is doing a fine job but my heart is still looking in the rearview mirror. I’m trying to drive away from you but I keep looking back. I know I might crash my car but I do it anyways. Dead end streets aren’t new to me and neither are you. I keep wondering what will happen when we go back home; if we will fall back into old habits or pretend like last summer was merely a faint dream. But let’s face it, our hometown has your scent all over it and I can’t bare to breathe it in anymore. I don’t belong there anymore and I don’t know if I ever did. My wonder is too big for a place so small. My wonder was too big for a small heart like yours.

-me

Things that make me sad:

last months text messages

my old cheer shoes

songs we used to sing in your car

country music

blueberry pancakes

swisher sweets

cranberry red bull 

unpainted toe nails

my knock-off doc martens

not being able to sleep at night

the last bite of ice cream

cute pictures of you

old friends that don’t talk anymore

last summer

parents yelling at their kids in grocery stores

the way my heart drops when i see your name

people in obviously unhappy relationships 

blue eyes

cold feet

airplanes

late nights without you

remembering late nights with you

real friends songs

cars that look like yours

my bedroom

my pillows

my sheets

my bedframe

you

september 

september is the saddest month

we spend the summer fooling around

carefree and unafraid

long nights and early mornings with no recollection of what happened the night before

we used to be invincible

didn’t we?

but not now

only in the summer

june was gentle and caring

july was hot and fast

and august was aggressive but not in a bad way

but then september came and i could feel it disappearing

there’s something about september that makes lovers forget about one another

it’s uncontrollable and it’s unintentional

but it makes you forget the sunshine and the memories and the long hot days spent by her side

something about september makes people leave

and never look back

we spent the summer so in love

but september is the cruelest,

the saddest month

it’s 5:55 pm

I keep wondering why I have fallen in love with you. I never wanted to. I never anticipated any of this, actually. I never had even looked at you as a friend, let alone a boy I would spent countless summer nights with, but I had somehow fallen head over heels, completely in love with you. I’ve lived some of my favorite days lying next to you and drowning in your ocean blue eyes. You made me feel on top of the world. You used to make me feel on top of the world. I tried everything to keep you around, but I couldn’t make you want me. So I let you slide on by without a second glance because I didn’t want to hold you here. You felt that you had bigger and better things ahead of you and I knew I wasn’t one of them. You had bigger and better things ahead of you and I wish everyday that I could’ve been one of them. But I never was. Nonetheless, I wanted you to be free and happy and do the things you always wanted to do because I always knew that I was only a convenience for you and you were the earth and moon and sky for me. You were endless. You were everywhere and you were everything. You were the reason the world turned and the reason all my favorite songs now leave a hollow ache in my chest. I saw your brightness in the darkest of places and I looked for your color in our dull town. You were light. You were color and you were vibrant. You were everlasting. You were summer. You made me feel things I have never felt. I don’t know if you did this on purpose or not, but I’m glad you did nonetheless. And I don’t know if you did this on purpose or not, but it was cruel of you nonetheless. I felt so high with you and the weight of the world falling apart upon me without you. You felt everything with me and absolutely nothing without me. I don’t know if you know the difference, but I do and even if you saw it I know you wouldn’t understand. I was a firework to you and you are the sun to me. We’re in the same sky but you are eternity and I am pretty for only a second. Your presence will stay on my skin forever and this mornings shower had already washed me off of you. You say we’re too different, we’re too far away, that we’re not going to work and I know you were right but I wasn’t ready to give up. And I knew you were right but you were always packed up and ready to leave at any time. I would have waited days and months and years for you and you couldn’t even wait  a second for me. You took off running when the going got tough and I stayed and picked up the mess on my own and I didn’t know if you knew this or not but I always hoped we would’ve ended differently. It’s 5:55 pm and you don’t want me anymore, but I guess you haven’t wanted me for a long time now. It’s 5:55 pm and I’m still missing you for no fucking reason. So, I’m asking, with all due respect, for you to please leave. Please just leave and take your remnants and memories and songs and long car rides. Take my skin and my sheets and the back seat of my car. Take everything and don’t look me in the eyes ever again. Take it all and don’t look back. I don’t need this anymore. I don’t need you anymore.

“Suburbia

I’ve given you all
And now I’m nothing”

I don’t know why I say this a lot,

But I do.

I say it when I’m alone so I can hear it out loud

Sometimes I say it when I’m listening to the wonder years 2011 album

Sometimes I say it at the weirdest times

In the weirdest places

I just like to hear it

“Suburbia

I’ve given you all

And now I’m nothing”

I kind of feel like that sometimes

Like you are suburbia

I never lived in a suburb

And I was never meant to

But I liked the idea of being in one

And living in one

They seem so perfect on the outside

Not too loud like the city but not too quiet like our hometown

You were suburbia

You weren’t the comfort of home

But I wanted you anyway

And I grew to need you

Your skin was my house

And your lips were my room

And your eyes always seemed to melt into mine

I can’t explain this to you

Because you had to be there

You had to be laying skin to skin in bed in suburbia doing nothing but looking into his eyes

To understand

“Suburbia

I’ve given you all

And now I’m nothing”

The summer went fast in suburbia

As it always does regardless of where you end up

But I ended up hopelessly in love with suburbia this summer

I always left suburbia with rosy cheeks and bright pink lips

But the biggest smile and the fullest heart

I left suburbia with my innocence and sad songs and long car rides with him that I wished would never end

Because I knew when they did

That the end was very near

And suburbia wouldn’t exist anymore

He made the days and nights so short but so full and exciting

I knew suburbia couldn’t love me back

Because suburbs can’t love

But I think I fell in love with suburbia

Maybe because it gave me false hopes

Maybe because it gave me so much to hold onto

But maybe because it was new

It was different

I wanted to live there forever but

Suburbia was too good to be true

And suburbia wasn’t my home

But I held on so fucking hard to him

Because I knew it wouldn’t last

And it didn’t

Because does it ever really last

We, all of us, we get so attached to things that don’t really exist in actuality

They aren’t real

Love doesn’t exist in suburbia

That’s why we live in small towns and big cities, so we can fall in love and live together forever and wake up to each other’s sleepy eyes and drink coffee at our kitchen tables and listen to music that makes us happy in a small apartment or house somewhere

That’s why I couldn’t live in suburbia

Because suburbia tells you what you want to hear

And suburbia lies and cheats and smiles and says sorry without meaning a word

And you always believe suburbia

And suburbia didn’t like coffee or happy songs

Suburbia didn’t give a shit about me

Or anyone

He just pretended to

Suburbia doesn’t have a heart

So he took mine

You can give suburbia your all

And suburbia will break your heart

And not tell you why

And you are left alone in a new environment with new people and new friends feeling so much like nothing

“Suburbia

I’ve given you all

And now I’m nothing”

(Credit to The Wonder Years for helping me write this without knowing so.)